Random crap is all I can manage at the moment!

• I found my book with the bust dart information. Yay! That cardi is SO almost finished.
• The craft room actually resembles a craft room now. It’s not perfect, but I’m pleased. Now to organize!
• I still don’t know which renovation project to start first.
• We’ve cleared the raspberry bushes of all raspberries. Yum.
• I learned how to can this week! Salsa Verde. Now, to make some tomato sauce to last the winter. That is if our neighbors give us some tomatoes :)
• The Boo fell and hurt his neck/shoulder/clavicle; we’re not sure exactly! He’s in a fair bit of pain and has trouble moving his arm. On the other hand, he still has no problem whacking his dad. Kids have funny priorities.
• The Boo also discovered water guns. Good fun.
• I’ve been enjoying the Olympics. What little I’ve seen of it. The Boo does not cotton on to the idea that the last time these were on, he was not even born yet, and therefore they are more important than cartoons.
• H is convinced I’ve coerced the entire family into destroying the carpet. The cat has vomited on it, the Boo has ground cheese and cranberry juice into it (who puts carpet in their dining room? Gross!) and today the Bean peed on it. I swear, I haven’t told anyone to do anything!
• Oh yeah, my feet still hurt. I may have to accept the obvious and go see a doctor.

I think that’s enough for now :)

Note to self: Check out this Roof Ray solar potential website once we have a clue what our electric bill is! (Thanks, Paul!)

I have been steadily working on my tulips cardigan and it is actually almost done! But I’m stuck at the bust darts. I need my book that tells me how to calculate where to put them and how often to do them and I can’t find the damn book. It’s in a box somewhere.

Grr. I want this sweater done before the summer is out!

So, obviously, our internet is back :) This is good. But some things aren’t so good.

Things are… unorganized. Chaotic. Overwhelming. I’m trying to maintain focus on lots of good things. Like:

• Yay back yard! So much fun. So far we’ve played footie/soccer, tee ball, stomp rocket, picked raspberries (YUM) and chased each other with water guns. Good times.
• There’s plenty of sun for some edible plants next year. Excellent.
• There’s also plenty of garden space for composting. Must read up on how to do that.
• So. Much. Space. Yet so little. Odd, that.
• Yay for organization! Am planning a montessori-style playroom and really looking forward to it.
• H’s journey to work is oddly quicker from way out here. Reminds me how the trains to London are faster than the underground. Makes no sense, but bob’s your uncle.
• House is MUCH cooler than the apartment. It was 86 in the apartment the other day and 71 at our house. Awesome.
• Playground across the street. Would be better if there were actually people there.
• Love all the recycling and garden waste collection and teensy tiny trash can!

But there are some things that aren’t so good and right now they’re clouding my vision. Things like:

• The color of the walls is really starting to work my nerves. It’s a non-descript ivory, but yellow enough that it makes the ceilings look really greyish. In short, it’s ugly. Feels like a hotel room. Must, paint but that won’t happen for a year at least, probably. As we’d be doing it ourselves and I just can’t fathom doing it right now.
• Window coverings are doing my head in. Why are they so expensive? Must find time to get quotes for blinds (NOT mini-blinds) but hard to do with children in tow.
• Our street is busy and noisy. I knew this, but somehow didn’t realize it would be THAT noisy.
• Am concerned about our huge hedges. How does one care for a hedge?
• Lots of things need remodeling and updating and I hardly know where to start. This is where house seems huge yet also teensy. Bathrooms are designed stupidly and kitchen ceiling is bizarrely lower than the rest of the house. Raising ceilings involves contractors for sure. What have we gotten into?
• There’s no timer in the kitchen. I just noticed this today. There are so many things to purchase I also hardly know where to start there either.
• There’s carpet. We all know I hate carpet.
• It’s really hard to unpack with kids around demanding your attention.

In short, just overwhelming. I have no design scheme in mind and haven’t thought about design in so long that I have zero ideas. Add all this house stuff to all the unfinished projects I have in my head and really, my brain hurts. Too. Much. To. Do. I don’t want to have a house that just subsists, I want a house that’s a haven. I don’t know how to get there and am afraid of how much it might cost!

Throw in both children having completely whacked sleep schedules at the moment and my own inability to go to bed at a decent time, and I’m one tired, grumpy, frustrated, and overwhelmed woman.

We were silly and neglected to call about starting up our cable at the new house in a timely manner, so I’m going to be unexpectedly offline for a little bit!

Ah well, it’s probably a good thing.

If you need to get ahold of me you’ll have to pick up the phone. Shocking, I know.

Quick on the heels of my last post, more thoughts on being a mom.

I’ve recently realized that parenting is bringing out the worst in me. Apparently there are aspects of my personality I didn’t even know existed.

Pre-children, if I were to describe myself, I would have (humbly) said I was thoughtful, caring, rational and logical. I don’t yell. I don’t rock the boat. I don’t throw things. I don’t like to upset anyone. I want everyone to be happy. I don’t order anyone about, I care what everyone thinks and I value everyone’s opinion. I’m a mediator. Until just a few years ago that’s absolutely how I thought of myself.

And now I know I was wrong.

I still am those things, I suppose. With adults. But with children? MY children?

I yell. I take on authority with resentment. I stomp around. I throw things (like pillows). I tell a certain someone that I’m trying very hard not to want to smack his little tushie. (That’s a startling one for me as I’m very anti-corporal punishment. But there you have it.) I’m still being rational but I’m dealing with someone who is not and it’s frustrating as hell.

Way back when I was reading lots of parenting books, one particular idea stuck with me: You wouldn’t treat your friends like that, so why would you treat your kids like that?

I’ve found that an absolutely impossible ideal to live up to. I believe in it, but it’s just not realistic, at least not in my world. Why? Because your friends wouldn’t treat you like that either, so it’s a non-issue. At least with my friends.

But my child? My child doesn’t respect me. He doesn’t trust me. (In that he wants to do his things his way and doesn’t believe me when I tell him otherwise. I do think that fundamentally he trusts me.) So it’s hard to treat someone respectfully when you are not receiving the same level of respect in return. When you are routinely ignored. When in fact you are barely receiving love in return, much less thanks or appreciation. Welcome to parenthood, right?

I always start off politely and I try to exude an expectation of cooperation. But somehow it still all goes downhill and I end up wading in a pool of power struggles of epic proportions. It makes me so tired. I just want him to listen and do what he’s told when it’s important. I swear I don’t tell him what to do all the time, I’m extremely lax about a great many things, believing in his autonomy and need to make his own decisions.

But it doesn’t seem to matter. Everything must be a struggle. I’m just so tired. I don’t like who I’ve become. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to be angry and upset and frustrated. I don’t want my kids to remember me like that. I don’t want to spend my days like that. I don’t get any breaks or vacation; this isn’t a job, it’s a life, MY life, and I want to live it striving for peace and maybe a little happiness on the side. I want to wake up excited about the next day, not having an expection of what’s going to cause the tantrum today?

I want to be Fun Mom. Creative Mom. Life Loving Mom. Mom who always has a good trick up her sleeve. Active Mom. Interactive Mom. Mom who isn’t scared of her own damn kids.

My mom yelled a lot. I remember that. Of course I love my mom dearly, which I suppose should be some sort of consolation that my kids aren’t going to hate me or anything, but still, I swore I wouldn’t do that. And lo, here we are. Welcome to Carrie’s abode, where you get to be yelled at on a daily basis!

I hear myself writing a lot about “I want…” to which my normal reply would be, “Okay, so what can you do to make that happen?” And here’s the sad truth — I have no fucking clue. I’m treading water here, not drowning, but not getting any closer to my island of peace and happiness.

Often I AM quite happy, I know I’m so lucky, and my kids are often great. In fact just today my boy asked me for a kiss and hug, which is totally new and joyfully given. But when that’s followed up by the demand to “pretend drive” but then a refusal to do such, followed by a one-sided conversation about why do you ask to do something, I tell you that’s fine, then you decide not to do it but then throw a hissy fit that you didn’t get to… I’m dumbfounded. Totally and completely at a loss.

Sometimes I want to just give up. Go to preschool all day. Confuse someone else. I never thought I’d say it, but damn babies are easy. I don’t know that I’ll even find an answer to all of this, other than that time will pass and some things will get better while some will get more difficult. I’m not sure that’s good news though. It’s certainly not going to help me sleep at night.

And then I read something like this. I am totally at a loss for words.

I heard recently that my hubby has been twittering our move. I finally checked up on him and lo — he uses twitter a lot more than I thought he did!

I’ve resisted twitter thus far because I figured I didn’t have anything interesting to share. The majority of my day involves either changing diapers or feeding small children, who wants to read about that? Booooring. My blog is ultimately for my own record so it’s not the end of the world if no one else finds my blog interesting. But twitter.. isn’t the whole point of that to share with other people?

On the other hand.. I do think lots of one liners during the day and maybe it’s worth a shot. Maybe I should give it a try. We’ll see :) You can find me at http://twitter.com/carrielogic (I think!)

So, we’re moving! I wanted my first post about the new house to be all cheery and show pictures and la dee da, but that’s just not gonna happen soon and I have things to say. So we’re doing it the half-assed way and just posting random shit. As usual!

Here are some lessons I’ve learned about moving so far:

• Do not pack all the scissors
• Or the twine
• Do not pack all the sheets and blankets. They will come in handy for packing delicates.
• Ditto for sweaters.
• Do not pack the plastic dinnerware. It will be easier to pack than the ceramic stuff when you’re nearly done moving. (I managed fine with the plates but somehow managed to pack the plastic bowls and left the ceramic ones behind. Doh.)
• For that matter, do not pack your pots and pans. Hard to cook without those.

I imagine there are still more, but that’s all I can think of right now!

I know I don’t have to tell you this, but moving sucks. Moving with kids sucks that much more. I’m so tired. Exhausted, actually. We’re ALL tired. And we still have one more week before everything is truly at the house. And then there’s unpacking!

One thing I’m trying really hard to do is retain perspective. This is all temporary. We’re all trying our hardest to survive this period so we can enjoy our new life in our new house. There’s no point yelling at anyone or griping about how something else could have been done better or even just differently. Family harmony is of the utmost importance in times of stress — I’m trying really hard to remember that. Of course I WANT to bitch and moan and snark and gripe, but that will go away. And I’ll get to sit in a treehouse, which will make it all worth it.

This time in my hometown.. Baer Fabrics has gone out of business. After over 100 years!

Baer’s is where I took my first (and second.. and third..) sewing classes. My hand-me-down sewing machine, serger, and sewing cabinet came from there. Probably a good portion of my meager fabric stash came from there too. Pre-baby I could spend hours wandering around the many floors just petting fabric. For that matter, the handmade items from my wedding dress (everything but the dress, basically) came from there.

I am so sad. I know you can get better deals online and frankly, with kids in tow, I generally feel like I’m doing the general population a favor by not going shopping, but I am going to make more of an effort to shop locally when it’s feasible. Especially for yarn and fabric. Particularly when it’s something small it just doesn’t make sense to pay shipping. If for nothing else, it is invaluable to see and feel these things in person. I don’t want my local shops to go out of business.

Sad, sad day.

P.S. Before my husband thinks it, no it did not go out of business because of my not shopping there any more, I assure you! I don’t spend THAT much! :)